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from the brain of an arrogant dyke who acts like a fag
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in RL's LiveJournal:

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Monday, December 10th, 2012
3:51 pm
first world problems
i'm going to just let out all the things that are bothering me because every once in a while, little things pile up and they start to make your head hurt.

1. the weather is making me seriously drowsy much of the time. i keep over sleeping and i have no energy. i guess it's somewhat natural to go into hibernation mode this time of year but i really, really hate it.

2. school is not any easier. my main problem is getting there, or anywhere, for that matter, on time. i can do assignments better now but i just can't not be late for class

3. my parents are getting divorced, which is fine, but it seems to be in some kind of perpetual limbo state.

4. my little brother won't do his homework and i can't make him do it without an argument.

5. i'm working more hours but still can't seem to save up any money. i really want to take a few trips...nyc, niagara falls, orlando, england in the coming year, but how can i if i have no funds?

6. i want a fucking cigarette. i don't want to smoke but i'm craving them like crazy.

7. i seem to be drifting away from a lot of my friends again. i know everyo0ne is really busy with their jobs and significant others, including me. but it sucks when you realize you haven't even had time to grab coffee with someone in over a month.

now for the solutions:

i need to use the artificial sunlight that my sister let me have. i need to fill my room with brightness so i don't feel so dark and dreary.

i need to just KEEP TRYING when it comes to school. take it one day at a time.

same thing with my family. i just need to deal with each thing as it comes.

i need to budget my money. only a certain amount for food, a certain amount for entertainment, keep an eye on when bills will be taken out and put a little bit into my savings every week.

i'm not going to smoke. i'll keep doing the nicotine lozenges, chew gum and just think of how much better i will feel when the struggle is over.

i need to make more of an effort to set aside time to meet up with friends. making plans and sticking to them.

ok, i feel a little better now.

(make use of language)

Wednesday, June 20th, 2012
5:30 pm
Genetically Modified Organisms
after reading this article http://www.independent.co.uk/news/world/asia/indias-new-delicacy-a-45dayold-tomato-1893333.html on a new tomato that will have a longer shelf-life than regular tomatoes, i find myself conflicted about the morality of modified versus natural foods.

the arguments for go as follows: there are people starving. a longer shelf-life gives the produce more time to reach customers. food can be genetically modified to grow larger, and in greater quantities, resist disease and infestation. more food can be delivered to more people. as lisa simpson says in the episode where she grows a genetically modified tomato: "this could solve world hunger!"

the arguments against say: paying for patents on modified food makes it more expensive. even if you have a longer lasting tomato, can the starving people really afford it? genetically modified food has been linked to the early onset of puberty, the increase of risk of cancer; it doesn't taste as good, it doesn't smell as good.

the REAL problem with genetically modified food is that as consumers, our ability to choose modified over natural food has been diminished by the choke hold a company such as monasato has on the food industry. if we decide we want food that has not been modified, we have to search hard to find it. and because organic food doesn't last as long as modified food, growers and sellers are forced to raise the prices in order to stay competitive.

so while i like the idea that the people of india would have more food, i'm skeptical as to whether GMO's will be better for them; for all of us, in the long run. which is better - a world of hungry people, or a world of people dying from cancer?

Current Mood: thirsty

(make use of language)

Wednesday, April 25th, 2012
3:58 pm
recently my dear friend has been bombarded with the attention of young men who wish to [at the least] get into her pants. she has told me of countless times where she has said, literally, "fuck off i'm not interested" and still had the same guy continue to hit on her. "since when does no mean yes!" she laments. i sympathize. but i also understand why guys are like that.

i read a cracked.com article recently that proposed that men have grown up watching movies where the hero always gets the girl in the end. "we're all the hero in our own stories so we think we deserve it". i completely agree. since i tend to be the more stereotypically "masculine" one in relationships, i find myself acting just as a hollywood protagonist would.

it plays out just like a movie. once rejected by a prospective love, i couldn't let it go. so i persisted. in hollywood romance, persistence is key. it worked for johnny cash in ring of fire. and persistence, ive found, will get you everywhere. just like peter parker held on to hope that he would get mary jane.

rest assured my intentions are honorable. i wouldn't put so much time and effort into chasing someone that i didn't think was a great person. but i realize that by being persistent, i'm managing to be a gigantic pain in the ass. we've learned that minimizing the distance between two people supposedly brings them closer. that's another thing that happens in the movies. you start out as the jerk, but little by little the more you bother her the more she starts to see little things about you - the good heart and humor that eventually charms her (because she already thinks you're good looking, but that's not enough) until you manage to do something to sweep her off her feet.

but in reality, you're just the annoying asshole who's wasting her time and irritating her and she probably has already given you all she's going to give. but the ego can't accept that. like the movie 500 days of summer.

so knowing this, what should i do? curb that behavior. there may possibly be a fine line between persistence and annoyance. i don't want to be the jerk. i want to be the good guy in this story. and that means being more patient and more considerate.

so on behalf of all stereotypically masculine people, i apologize to my friend and all stereotypically feminine people. because when you tell him he's an asshole and you're not interested, to him it's just the part of the movie where you meet and the girl(maybe guy) doesn't like you. but according to hollywood, she will eventually. and that's part of the reason we act the way we do.


Current Mood: tired

(2 communicators | make use of language)

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012
4:55 pm
emotional evolution
it's been a year since i was diagnosed as being bipolar, and i have come a very, very long way in what is really a very short amount of time. granted, i still have my fall backs; slip-ups; reversions. but over all, i'm doing much better.

when dealing with a disorder i feel like there's two aspects of it. the physical, and the emotional which happens as a result of the physical. for example, a lack of serotonin in the brain which in turn creates a "low" or depressed mood. the physical is something that needs to be dealt with as we would with any other medical problem. usually with drugs, change in diet, exercise, to name a few. i've got that part down. i take two medications that work well for me, i eat healthier and exercise often.

but even while managing the physical, one must maintain the emotional. the process is almost abstract. i tend to think of things on an atomic level: atoms bonding and breaking and floating around crashing into each other, forming our entire universe. so what are our feelings but chemicals running amok in the brain? ever since i was a child i argued that an emotion such as "love" was merely a chemical process. i even wrote about it in a paper in 6th grade for english class on a book we had read. my teacher wasn't thrilled with my interpretation of the essay question. so it was very hard for me to accept that chanting "positive affirmations", as my [run-of-the-mill-just-there-to-do-her-job-and-spout-cliches] therapist suggested. i tried them. "everything will be fine" i told myself over and over. i still didn't believe it.

in order for that to work you have to adjust your paradigm; shift your whole attitude. you need to put things in perspective. it was easier to do this during the art therapy classes i was taking.

the first thing i had to do was stop being so egotistical. i still have my moments, but i came to realize that i had a very fragile ego that needed constant reassurance so i could hold a high opinion of myself. whenever my vision of myself wasn't reinforced, i got very upset. that would lead to short periods of self-loathing, followed by periods of cynicism and disgust for the rest of humanity. it may not seem like it makes sense, but that's part of being bipolar: the highs, where you feel better than everyone, and the lows, where you feel less than everyone. psychologists suggest that we always try to put ourselves in the best light possible. we justify our every action. so after the lows passed, instead of hating myself i just hated everyone else. i had to put myself on the same level as all living things: no better, no worse than anyone. at least, in the sense, that i am made up of the same basic materials as all other earthlings. how can one complex chunk of carbon-based life be better than another? in molecular science there is no "better than". things are bigger or smaller, simpler or more complex, but never does any scientist claim that something is "better than" simply for existing.

the second thing i had to do was be more forgiving. any time anyone did something i didn't like, i stubbornly held it against them, without so much as a thought as to why they did what they did. the art therapist told us over and over again that "what people do has more to do with themselves than it does with you." so i started thinking about our bodies are, in a way, vessels that we are piloting. our bodies, our minds, are our center. we are the center of our each individual universes. in order to survive, we must put our needs first. in order to be healthy, we must do this. for example, you must breathe to live. if there is a limited amount of oxygen, you can't simply hold your breath infinitely so that others have more air. certainly, there's something to be said for not being selfish: you and whomever else can share the oxygen equally. but denying yourself for the benefit of others will kill you. sacrificing yourself is supposedly noble, but that's a whole other entry. if you needn't sacrifice, if you can share, then why not do it? this ties in to the idea that no one is better or worse. so if someone is putting themselves first because they NEED to, i can't be angry at them.

the third thing i had to do was give up the idea that all my deep-rooted beliefs are right. for a while, i was so positive i knew just about everything. then it dawned on me: what if i'm wrong? what if i'm right after all? who's to say? the fact is, we don't know FOR SURE what is right, what is wrong, what is neutral. we just don't. some people think they know, but when you really break it down, with so many different views, ideas and opinions, how can we know for certain what is what? so i had to accept that there is room for error, but that i need to continue living according to the basic moral standards i set out for myself and not worry about it. basically, be less stubborn and more open-minded. i can disagree with people, but i can't just assume they're a moron because they don't affirm that i am right about what i say.

the fourth thing i had to do was learn to be more grateful. i have dealt with some shit, but it could be much worse. "suffering is suffering. no suffering is better or worse, it's just different." the art therapist says. so i don't have to feel guilty for the pain i have felt, but i also need to focus on the positive, wonderful things i have in my life. my family, a climate controlled house, a job, transportation, food, clothing, internet access, computers, various entertainment, to name a few things. i am striving everyday to be grateful for all of the wonderful things in my life, and it has made me a much happier person.

the fifth thing i had to do was learn to live in the present. this concept was lost of me for quite some time. the main idea is that you stop obsessing about your past and stop worrying about your future, and realize each moment is fleeting. it will come, and it will pass, so BE IN IT while it happens. but i still had trouble with this, until i was in cycling class one day. i was struggling to get through the current tension on the bikes we had, and i thought perhaps i could go to a "happy place" and forget about the pain in my legs. then i remembered that scene in fight club where tyler durden pours lye on the narrator's hand. the narrator tries to escape the pain by going to some "calm place" in his brain and tyler tells him to focus on the pain. "this is the greatest moment of your life and you're missing it!" he insists. so i decided to stay where i was, mentally, and think about how my legs burned, and how hard it was to get each foot over the turns. and even though i was completely focused on the difficulty of the task, i suddenly felt more alive. so i strive to live in the present as much as possible. it's what i do when i'm trying to go to sleep at night. that's not to say we shouldn't plan for our future or not learn from the past, but we need to be aware of what's going on around us rather than making ourselves sick thinking about things we have very little control over. we can't change the past and we can't predict the future. end of story.

as a result of these 5 things, i feel healthier every day. i have learned to let go of so much and it makes me feel more free. i feel more in touch, more grounded. centered. accepting. perhaps not complete, but close to it.

Current Mood: thirsty

(make use of language)

Friday, March 2nd, 2012
2:38 am
i've been bothered by the gregorian calender since yesterday. it keeps popping into my mind. i suggested that a more accurate measurement of time should be kept, with more sensible divisions and groupings. my friend suggested i switch to unix time, which counts each day as 86,400 seconds. of course, i feel the fundamental problem lies in the units of measurement used to tell time, but after researching earth's diameter, rate of rotation, orbital speed, and distance traveled around the sun, this is a math equation too advanced for my mind. so, i'm going to accept that a second is a decent unit of time, at least it is agreed upon by every nation. i'm also going to accept that it takes, as we know it, 365.24 days to orbit the sun. so i multiplied 365.24 by 86,400 and got 31,556,736. an even number! this is great seeing as how i'm being so ocd about this. that may be the driving factor behind all my thought on this: obsessive compulsion. but i'm going to roll with it.

now the question is how to divide this number. we know how many seconds in a day and we know how many seconds in a year. so how can we divide yearly seconds into more sensible months, days, hours and minutes? well we currently have 12 months in each year, which works for me as there are 4 seasons in a year, 4 goes into 12, so let's start with that. that will give us 2,629,728 seconds in a month. now to divide that into days. what if we had 36 days in each month? this is the closest even number pertinent to how many days we usually have in a month. that's 73,048 seconds a day. so a day would have to be shorter. does this really work? can we accept this? no way. that's because a sidereal day (one full turn of the earth) is actually 86,164 seconds.

so that completely failed, but it was fun.

now let's go with the amount of seconds in a sidereal day. 86,164.0906 seconds in a sidereal day. 24 won't go into that. there must be a pretty even number that will go into it. just for now, let's drop the .0906. if we divide by 2's we get relatively even numbers at first. divide by 16 and we get 5385.25. so let's say we're going to have 16 "hours" which are 5385.25 seconds long each. now to figure out how many "minutes" should be in that "hour". if we divide by 64 we get 84.144531251. so we could have 64 "minutes" in an "hour" consisting of 84.144531251 seconds each. so let's go back and add the .0906 we left off previously and see how much that fucks us up.

84,164.0906 seconds in a day.
divided by 16 "hours": 5260.2556625
divided by 64 "minutes": 82.1914947265625

now a sidereal year is equal to 365.256363004. multiply this by sidereal seconds in a day and we get 31,471,982.3541031441624 seconds in a year. is there a way to come up with a more accurate amount of days in a year? the sidereal year number i got is based on how many solar days there are in a year.

ok, after more research i've found an ACTUAL sidereal year is 366.25 days, or 366.25 occurrences of 86,164 second increments (one sidereal rotation). so the seconds in a year are 31,557,565. so working off of this, i propose a 10 month calender consisting of either 36 or 37 days each. they would go as follows: month 1: 36 days. month 2: 37 days. month 3: 36 days. month 4: 37 days. month 5: 37 days. month 6: 37 days. month 7: 36 days. month 8: 37 days. month 9: 36 days and month 10: 37 days. this gives us our full 366 days. as for the extra quarter day, that's 21541 seconds. if we go back to our original 5385.25 seconds per "hour" and change this to 5386 seconds per "hour", we get 86,176 seconds a day. divide 31,557,565 by 86,176 and we get 366.2, which is not perfect but pretty close. with more patience i could do the math perfectly, and the earth does wobble on its axis, and we'd still have to compensate for drift, but here is my proposed calender:

1 year is equal to 366 days, or 31,557,565 seconds.
1 year is equal to 10 months.
10 months is equal to 36.625 days (alternating 36 or 37 days)
1 day is equal to 16 hours.
1 hour is equal to 64 minutes.
1 minute is equal to 84.2 seconds

i have yet to figure out a good system for dispersing the extra seconds rather than counting to 84.2.....or we could just count to 84.2. end of story. when i do the real math, all these number will be messed up anyway.

that's all i have for now.

Current Mood: tired

(make use of language)

Wednesday, February 29th, 2012
4:53 pm
Writer's Block: Every Four Years
How are you celebrating Leap Day?

happy leap day.....? while in one respect it's interesting that 29 february only comes once every four years, consider this: if we switched to a more accurate day, rather than a 24 hour one, which falls short, then more evenly divided the months and the days within the months, we could have a more even year, eliminating the need for leap days. as it stands, a year is 365 and 1/4 days long, hence the need for an extra day every four years.

if we had a 25 hour day, then it would average out to 350.63 days a year. we could round up and make it 351 days in a year, but this creates a problem of lagging. of course, the main problem lies within the fact that hours and minutes are counted by 60. i propose we take an accurate account of how long it takes the earth to make a full rotation on its axis and divide this or measure this in groups of ten. then according divide or multiply on this system of tens for every unit from nanoseconds to years. unfortunately, i'm not the best at math, and metric systems escape my dumb american brain. ha.

(make use of language)

Thursday, February 9th, 2012
2:00 pm
born again vegetarian
i have seen the light. it took a long time...it's been about a year in the making. but i am done eating meat. which is an almost euphemistic way to say that i'm done eating the dead, rotting flesh of a creature. notice i don't say living, because plants are alive, and since we cannot photosynthesize, we are forced to get our energy and nutrients from living things. but as far as we know, plants are not conscious and do not feel pain. we could be wrong. but a plant doesn't bleed. a plant doesn't run away in fear. a plant doesn't wince or scream or gasp for air as its fluids and organs spill onto a dirty concrete floor.

i've known about the horrors of industrialized farming for a year now, but i wavered and faltered. this is mainly because i was very unhealthy, mentally and physically, and i wasn't really sure how to get myself on the right track. but after about 9 months of hard work, i got to a good place mentally, and beginning this year i started exercising regularly and finally, really, gave a shit about myself; living a good, healthy (for the most part) lifestyle. i was very successful at giving up cigarettes entirely. i've been diligent about going to the gym. so a healthier diet was naturally the next step. ok, limit processed foods. no desserts (which i might add i didn't eat much of anyway, as i often found them to taste terrible, but now i've cut them out completely). more fruits and vegetables and as much fresh food as possible. whole grains.

and then i was eating a hamburger and it occurred to me: how healthy can this really be? cholesterol warnings and heart health warnings almost always good hand in hand with a "limit red meat" warning.

then i had a conversation with my vegetarian coworker. i'm not sure how we got on the subject, but i confessed that i had felt continually guilty about eating meat.

let's backtrack for a second here. because this has actually been years in the making. it began one day when i was defrosting shrimp at my parents' house. they were headless, but still in their shells. as i poured them into the water, it dawned on me - these are the decapitated carcasses of an animal. this thing was swimming around the ocean minding its own business, and now it's dead. it's headless, dead fucking body. but, i let my human ego take over and managed to eat the shrimp anyway.

but it didn't end there. i used to love lobster, until i looked down at my plate one day and stared into those dead eyes. here was another carcass, a living thing boiled alive. it had probably been alive when i had walked in, and with a scream it was scalded to death and now sits on my plate.

fast forward to the times i have seen a whole chicken and a whole turkey. carcasses. "can i take the turkey carcass to make soup?" i cringed. and how about most recently, when i was chowing down on chicken wings and just happened to casually notice the tendon snapping from the muscle to the bone? funny how we call dead muscle tissue "meat". i just thought about how a complex set of nerves once allowed this thing to flap its wings - well, if it had any room to flap, seeing as how it was probably crammed in there with hundreds of other chickens.

then someone posted a picture with a caption about how gross chicken mcnuggets are. while it turns out it wasn't accurate, it got my thinking. "how can i justify my eating meat" i said. plus the picture, while a fake, looked very familiar. where had i seen something like that before? the movie smiley face; the scene where she's in the pork processing plant. while i knew industrialized farming was horrible, i still didn't quite have the full, dawning realization. i had that 3 weeks ago. i was out to dinner with a friend and decided to try the lentil burger at the restaurant i was at. i looked down at my burger and thought: "this isn't a dead cow." that's when it started dawning on me. two days later, i was perusing the sushi rolls at wegmans looking for something to eat. i looked at the tuna roll - and i saw the whole fish. i saw the fish squirming to get away from its untimely death. and i couldn't eat it. i got a veggie roll instead. and i haven't looked back.

so no chicken, no cow, no pig, no lamb, no turkey, no fish for three weeks. and i don't even miss it. even this veggie burger i'm eating seems little too much like the real thing. i have to keep reminding myself it's soy beans. how could i make such a drastic change overnight? i guess that when it finally hits you, it is, as they say, like seeing the light. but i'm no going to be an asshole about it. while i'm proud of my decision, i'm not going to tell people they should become vegetarian or they are going to hell. i will tell them what i know and what i've learned, but until you really, truly see it, you won't quit meat. just like drugs. until you see how horrible they really are, you won't be inclined to quit.

now one last thing i want to go over: i am not a vegan - yet. i have to completely switch around my eating habits and that's going to take some work. already i have found foods that won't be suitable once i finally make the switch. but it's coming. i already avoid eggs because of how horrifying the conditions or egg farms are. i already cringe when drinking milk because of the hormones in it. i need to really research my protein sources and become habitual at consuming those, then i'll be off animal completely. adding more vegetable, fruits and whole grains is very easy. it's finding bean sources of protein that are both easy and animal free that is the hard part. but i will get there. one step at a time. one choice after another. do i choose to put cream in my coffee? there's a huge step right there. can i find a protein shake without whey in it? i have to keep looking. but i will find these items. i am making progress.

Current Mood: accomplished

(2 communicators | make use of language)

Monday, February 6th, 2012
12:07 am
everyone loves a bisexual
ever since i came out people have been coming to me (mostly women but some men) questioning their sexuality. and as far as the women go, half they time they kind of want me. i say kind of because there is something there that makes them hesitant. i often wonder what it is about sexuality that makes the subject complicated ad nauseam and i can only decide that social norms are to blame.

but why are the norms what they are? first of all, if you look at sexual animal behavior as simplistic as the urge to reproduce in order to make more of one's kind, homosexuality doesn't seem to make sense. is homosexuality simply a random mutation that so far has not really been favorable or unfavorable enough a trait to die out? why is it so widely dispersed in the human species and not so much in other animals? is it because there are so many more humans? unfortunately to answer these questions i'd have to conduct exhaustive research that i am neither qualified nor willing to do. but strike one against the gays: one can't reproduce with one's own gender.

next, there is religion, particularly monotheistic religion that hates sex altogether. why is this? i imagine that when human societies were just beginning to form, religion was created to not only explain to world around us to the curious human mind but also felt the need to keep people in check (in other words, making people act to the way the leaders wanted them to) and therefore created rules. i've read over leviticus often, where homosexuality is first mentioned, and find the rules rather interesting. the main thing each rule logically has in common with each other is disease control. shellfish is a common allergy, and also potentially dangerous if improperly stored or cooked so it's no surprise to me that someone ate some clams, dropped dead, and they figured god was punishing that person for eating clams and therefore it must be forbidden. pork can have trichinosis. touch a dead animal, you pick up germs. unclean during menstruation - poor hygiene makes one susceptible to bacterial infection. all things mentioned in leviticus. then there's sex. men are warned not to lie with women during her menstruation and not to lie with each other. seeing as how periods were thought to be punishment from god....and the awful mess it would make...the former makes sense to me. but why is gay sex so bad? well men more often have a higher sex drive than women and as a result tend to be more promiscuous - or so we think. but let's go with that stereotype for a second. multiple partners means multiple chances to pick up an std or sti. that seems to be a good argument for why marriage was created in the first place, to keep people clean (and also, theoretically, force them to band together to take care of their offspring). so the guys can't have sex with each other because they'd be spreading around too much disease. now i could be dead wrong about all of that, but i'm not inclined to think so.

the third is that people are afraid of those who are different than they are because they are ignorant. i'm not going to break that one down. it applies to all minorities.

so here are the three major reasons i feel homosexuality is so frowned upon. i speculate that if we lived in a society that didn't have such attitudes toward homosexuality, people would be much more free and open with it. as it is, as homosexuals become more visible and more accepted, more and more people are apt to "experiment" with their sexuality.

so these people who come to me have two conflicting forces - their curious nature and their fear of going against the "norm". therein lies the struggle for all people who are not completely straight. for those of us who are definitely gay or mostly gay, we go through this struggle and find it a thousand times more tortuous than someone who is mostly straight and just examining their queer side.

let's see, the first woman who came out to me as "bisexual" still identifies as bisexual, but currently dates a man. the next is married to a man with two children. the third dates men but i suspect will still be with a woman from time to time, just probably not a relationship with a woman. the fourth, dated me....i have no idea what she likes now. the fifth, also dated me but seems to lean towards guys, particularly now. the sixth came out as bi, went gay, and is now straight again. oh yeah i dated her too. the seventh, i made out with, told me she had a crush on me once but didn't want to pursue anything....now engaged to a man. the eighth, now identifies as asexual. the ninth dates men but has admitted to possible sociopathic tendencies (in her words: "the therapist told me i don't care who i get sex from, just that i get it") the tenth continues her struggle, comes to me again and again, but has only dated men. the eleventh dates men but has admitted to sleeping with a woman, and wouldn't mind dating one. number twelve is bicurious i have just learned, thirteen is bicurious, made out with me and ran for the hills soon after, and fourteen refuses to identify herself at all.

various women have come out to me as lesbian and still are.

a couple boys came to me questioning their sexuality. they all identify as gay now.

various men have come out as gay and still are.

it's the bisexual, bicurious and unlabeled ones that interest me most. perhaps because they're always so all over the place: fine with their sexuality one minute, afraid the next. then unsure. then lamenting it. then loving it. they are chameleons, they change with the social stimuli around them. they are one thing to some people and other things to other people. and they all come to me. why? half the time i'm the only gay person they know. other times it's because they know i won't judge them.

fourteen women came to me unsure of their sexuality. seven of them are currently in a relationship with a man. nine of them have kissed me. at least seven have admitted to having a crush on me. ten have admitted finding me attractive. none of them have slept with me.

how much of their choice in partner was governed by social norms? where would these women rate themselves on the kinsey scale? and the most important and self centered question: what makes them like me, then not like me, then like me, then not like me again?

it boggles the mind.

Current Mood: thirsty

(make use of language)

Friday, January 6th, 2012
12:54 am
"holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else - you are the one who gets burned."

i'd be lying if i said it doesn't cause me a bit of grief still that someone's religion teaches them to feel a certain way about me but i've decided to let my anger go. just as i let go of a lot of anger i was carrying around with me. don't get me wrong, i still have bitter feelings, but the mind-destroying anger that i have felt over things in the past is now easier to alleviate.

i have to be the bigger man and have decided i can accept people despite their 'faults' even if they can't accept me the way i want to be accepted. i feel so many are still so blind, and not just when it comes to accepting others....but it is not my place to light their path. they have to find their own way, and i cannot say for sure that they are on the right path, just as i can't say they are on the wrong one. i could be wrong. they could be wrong. we could all be wrong, or all be right. i suppose i am saying that i cannot make anyone more empathetic than they already have the capacity to be, and i cannot make anyone see the world through my eyes.

i guess the reason why i get upset with people on any issue is that i am searching for a kindred spirit in this world and finding she (maybe he) does not exist. perhaps the only people on this planet who come close are my siblings and mother. perhaps i am just so exhausted from a lifetime of not being fully understood and have searched in vain for someone who "gets" me. but i am reminded a bit each day that the only person who can fully understand me is myself. once again, it all must come from within. i am the center of my universe. i have to be.

Current Mood: contemplative

(make use of language)

Monday, January 2nd, 2012
12:24 am
they believe homosexuality is a sin....
"good is what you like, evil is what you don't like"

the words of nietzsche echo in my head while i digest the facts i faced today: that so many people have it ingrained in their heads that homosexuality is a sin. "but we love you anyway" comes as little comfort when it is clear to me that i am being judged for something i could not change any more than my eye color. the remark "we're all sinners" simply makes my stomach turn. this is not about differences in opinion. this is not about differences in theology. it is about how a fundamental part of being that i cannot not change NOR WOULD I CHOOSE TO CHANGE IT is looked at as something inherently evil in the eyes of people who are supposed to be my friends. THIS IS A HUMAN RIGHTS ISSUE. and it makes me absolutely disgusted that people still have the gall to call me a sinner for WHO I AM.

let's examine this, shall we? the first mention of homosexuality appears in leviticus where it is stated that "man shall not lie with man as he does with woman". this is the same chapter that also states it is sinful to EAT SHELLFISH ("And all that have not fins and scales in the seas, and in the rivers, of all that move in the waters, and of any living thing which is in the waters, they shall be an abomination unto you") that CHILDBIRTH IS UNCLEAN ("If a woman have conceived seed, and born a man child: then she shall be unclean seven days; according to the days of the separation for her infirmity shall she be unclean.") MENSES are sinful and require a "sin offering" ("And if a woman have an issue, and her issue in her flesh be blood, she shall be put apart seven days: and whosoever toucheth her shall be unclean until the even....And on the eighth day she shall take unto her two turtles, or two young pigeons, and bring them unto the priest, to the door of the tabernacle of the congregation.
And the priest shall offer the one for a sin offering, and the other for a burnt offering; and the priest shall make an atonement for her before the LORD for the issue of her uncleanness.") http://www.fourmilab.ch/etexts/www/Bible/Leviticus.html

but we still eat at red lobster, don't we? we don't shun women who have just given birth, do we? we walk among each other while we have our periods. these are but a few examples.

the point is, there are many things that the bible says are unclean or sinful, yet we don't pay attention to that. no, people pay attention ot the homosexuality part because they are JUSTIFYING THEIR HATE.

i honestly don't think i can be friends with people who think i'm a sinner. there is no reason for me to subject myself to that kind of prejudice. remember "judge not lest ye be judged"? when you decide what is sinful and what isn't, you are JUDGING. you may not think you are, but every time you take it upon yourself to determine what is "bad" and what isn't, you are passing judgement, and "only god can judge", isn't that right?

i could go on and on, but i've wasted enough energy on this absolute bullcrap as it is. i don't need to take this shit from anyone, and i won't. i will not put up with it.

Current Mood: aggravated

(1 communicator | make use of language)

Saturday, December 31st, 2011
4:00 pm
Writer's Block: Don’t look back in anger
Do you have any regrets from this year?

i did have regrets, regrets that i felt deeply and carried like lead in the concave of my chest for the majority of the year. i felt them like deep cuts that scarred my being. but, as they say, time DOES heal all wounds, and they are further healed when one finally learns to put the metaphorical salve on it. furthermore, the marks left over from these healed wounds now simply serve as reminders; of lessons learned. they no longer shame me: i know their reason for being, and i have accepted them. now on the other side of what was a painstaking journey, i am blessed with the clarity that one achieves when finally dragging one's tired carcass out of the dark tunnel and faces the sunlight and is revived. i look at these regrets now and they cease to BE regrets, they are simply events that have happened this year, things that, though painful, may have been necessary to bring me to a place of peace (or at least a complacent calm).

i rung in 2011, feeling both tipsy and snarky, at the house i shared with jarad, cheryl and laine, with many of my friends alongside. to most people it was simply another party; perhaps they have long ceased to believe that change can come with the turning of a number. to me it was a celebration of the relief i felt that 2010, and all the shit that went with it, was over. little did i realize that the journey to healing still stretched out far ahead of me in a winding, curving path. i was unaware of how lost i was, so cocky and arrogant in my certainty that i was in the right place. but perhaps knowing, deep down, that many things were so terribly wrong. i sought out validation from so many people at that time and always ended up disappointed. i had not yet learned that validation must come from within, strength must be acquired from one's self. to put it another way, you can't show up at a gym, run a lap and expect your friends to tell you what a great job you're doing. you have to put in the effort and realize you have been doing a good job because you can physically feel the difference.

the coming of 2012 coincides with a journey that actually began in april of 2010, when i began the free fall into darkness because i had not realized that i was relying so heavily on my partner to hold me up. i had been living like this for years, and was so deluded that i couldn't even see it. though i did learn some things in the following summer, i did not learn all that i needed to know. i ignorantly equated adulthood with the ability to support myself financially instead of the ability to support myself emotionally, mentally, and physiologically. i thought i was fine. but it quickly became apparent that i was not: i found another person to lean on and spent other times trying in vain to obliterate the deep pain i felt with superficiality and escapism (which manifested itself in "partying"). then when that person left, i quickly found another person to lean on. my actions were all selfish rather than self aware. i was surviving, but just barely. even my body began to rebel against me - i suffered from a sprained ankle, then a dramatically stiffened leg muscle, random colds and infections. i was self destructive and self loathing. i needed a stability that i would never find in florida. i wouldn't find it in the new apartment i got in february on a whim. i wouldn't find it in jamaica, queens where i went after i quit my job (again on whim and in a flurry of frustration) and i certainly wouldn't find it in my equally lost (and most likely sicker than me) girlfriend. but the regrets rolled in when i realized where i needed to be (rochester) and where i wanted to be (back in florida) did not coincide. i regretted leaving jarad's house. i regretted severing ties with my friends. i regretted quitting my job, i regretted not be focused enough on work to avoid the meeting that would lead me to quit. i regretted spending too much money, i regretted accumulating debt, and i especially regretted my irresponsibility. not even the bipolar diagnosis, which explained everything, did anything to fix it, and certainly did not excuse it.

so i spent last summer in a total disconnect. my head was in the past and my body was in the present. but i learned from the wise words of the art therapist who's sessions i frequented. i flip flopped from being centered to being totally dismayed in the fall, but i am happy to report that after so much suffering, my "soul", if you will, is freed.

so that brings me to now. where i have finally reached acceptance. i have accepted that i cannot change the past. i have accepted that some people are gone, but were probably never good for me in the first place. i have accepted that what i need right now is the unconditional love and patience of family and that when i am ready, i can be financially independent again, but there is no rush. i have accepted that only time, patience and hard work will allow me to achieve my goals and i am now in a place where i am ready to pursue them. i have accepted that the journey to recovery is never ending: there is not "recovered", only "recovering." while i have ended one journey, more lie ahead, and that's ok.

regrets occur because we wish to change the past. but it is of no use to dwell on it. acceptance is when regrets cease to be scars and serve only as reminders. i know now how sick i was and do not wish to go back to that. i welcome this new year, and my new age. i no longer dread the constant march of time. i no longer wish to freeze moments and hold on to them. i accept change. i flow with time instead of rallying against it.

i HAD regrets. now i only have memories.

Current Mood: calm

(make use of language)

Friday, November 4th, 2011
12:20 am
whatever happened to thanksgiving? it goes directly from halloween to christmas now.

(1 communicator | make use of language)

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2011
3:36 pm
a lot of things have been getting me down lately, but things that would be perfectly normal for someone to be upset about are completely exacerbated by this wretched mood disorder. i got up and down like a yo yo, sometimes experiencing major mood swings as often as throughout the day and sometimes moods lasting several days. it's a pain in the ass, or maybe more accurately described as several swords' worth of pain in the ass, but i want to make it clear that i use this thing and facebook to just VENT. it builds up and i have to blow off steam. that's all. time for a walk with my sister.

Current Mood: calm

(make use of language)

Sunday, October 30th, 2011
12:05 am
hmm, i have a dead end job, no prospects, no degree, very little money, i live with my parents again (one of whom is a psycho alcoholic), my wife left me, the people i've dated left me, my friends have abandoned me, i have a mental illness, acid reflux, and i break out like a teenage boy. why should i not just blow out my fucking brains?

Current Mood: aggravated

(1 communicator | make use of language)

Monday, October 24th, 2011
6:22 pm
i am simply going through the motions of daily life. i eat just enough to survive, i keep myself clean only to be presentable enough, i go to work and do just enough to get by, i pretty much only speak when spoken to, i drink coffee just to stay awake. i get no joy out of these things. i get no joy out of anything. except sleep, i get way too much sleep. so sleep excluded, i do only just enough of the basics to stay alive. i try to get out of the house a few days a week, but going to vertex with my friend carry only provides a miniscule amount of relief from this constant dead feeling. that's the best way to describe it, i just feel dead.

i honestly believe i have nothing to offer the world. i don't have enough skill in any category to be of any real use to anyone. i'm just a waste of flesh, consuming resources that could probably go to much more deserving living things. i also feel like i'm slowly getting dumber. i don't know if i'm just so depressed that my brain isn't functioning to capacity, or the haloperidol side effects and the excess sleep are catching up with me. the way i view life and the world is either with exhaustive depression and negativity or pure apathy.

i'd kill myself, but i'm afraid of many things about it. i'm afraid of how it will affect my family, i'm afraid it will hurt, i'm afraid of the possibilities of death - total blackness, or wandering the earth as a ghost, or going to hell, or even if i somehow made it to heaven, it still wouldn't be a happy place for me. i'm like hamlet at the beginning of the play. i don't really want to be dead, but i don't want to be in my own skin anymore either

what i really want is to wake up tomorrow after a reasonable amount of sleep and suddenly feel positive and ambitious and able. but so far nothing has worked for me. i've taken the meds and gone to therapy and art therapy and tried to do what the say to do but i just slide right back into this barely surviving, horrendous state of being. i am a prisoner in my own brain. i fear it will just keep going like this until i die. i don't know what to do, other than continue going through the motions, seeing as no option is appealing to me. my dreams are dead. all careers and jobs feel like chores. no activity brings me joy. i am a living corpse, and nothing will bring me back to life.

Current Mood: dead

(make use of language)

Saturday, October 15th, 2011
10:14 pm
What’s the sweetest experience you’ve ever had?

what does that even mean? what's the most saccharine shit that's ever happened to me? perhaps the most sugary food item i've ever consumed?

(make use of language)

Tuesday, October 11th, 2011
2:10 am
reflecting. fuck it. ima smash these mirrors.

i've grown quite tired of analyzing shit all the time. it's exhausting work, really, mulling over every single thought and feeling. the same questions rolling around in my head over and over. where have i been? where am i? where am i going?

i've got a girl 6 1/2 years younger than me giving me the same advice as my therapist[s]. if a damn KID can see it, then maybe i'd better wake the fuck up. let the damned past die. yes, i've made some mistakes. well, several. i let my life go tumbling downhill about 6 years ago. i didn't have any foresight to speak of. trouble is, i still don't. (but i have enough sense to not quit my job and hit the road and disappear, no matter how much i'd like to!) and maybe i'll never be able to see more than a few inches in front of my own face. but i can take these experiences and remember the next time i'm looking into the future and can't see past my own nose:

1. all romantic relationships are bullshit. don't even remotely compromise for anyone else. they won't be around in the future, or they'll change and you'll loathe them. i don't care what anyone says. only RARELY does love last, and ever RARER is it enough!

2. a piece of paper saying you're educated is important. but pursuing that paper is only worth it if you're willing to put the work in.

3. friends are whoever is most convenient at the time.

4. emotions don't last. negative or positive, it will pass

5. a dream is called a dream for a reason - eventually everyone wakes up.

this last one i'm having trouble wrapping my head around. maybe if i stop dreaming that some day i'll make a living as a musician i can move on and be ok. music has become the bad girlfriend you don't want to let go because she's so hot, but you know she's draining you. maybe this is the last thing i have in my life that's killing me. i gave up smoking, i've distanced myself from all potential and past suitors, i've distanced myself from "friends", i gave up the idea that i could somehow survive on my own as a college drop out. i gave up goth makeup and clothing, i gave up the mohawk, i gave up my desire for nice things. one more thing i need to give up, i guess.

but if i give up everything, then who the fuck am i? and what the fuck do i do next? the problem is, i'm just as lost now as i was when i got my diagnosis. 8 months and i'm still here. still lost. i think the problem is that there is no right move for me to make. NOTHING is going to make me happy, satisfied, or fulfilled. so i need to pick the path that has the least amount of pain. i can't figure out which path that is.


Current Mood: depressed

(2 communicators | make use of language)

1:16 am
Writer's Block: In 1492, Columbus sailed the ocean blue
Where is one new place you’d like to visit?

there's a lot of places i'd like to go, but like most people, most of the places i want to visit are not third world countries. hmm. sad but true. i'm spoiled. so are most americans.

on second thought, i don't think "developed" countries would be much better. we're raised with the idea that going to see the world is some kind of admirable thing, but i can find something fucked up about every country in the world. poverty. famine. disease. natural disasters. animals that can fuck you up. corruption. xenophobia, homophobia, racism, sexism. nature is unrelenting, the living things on earth are all competing against one another, and humankind takes it several steps further.

just saying.

(1 communicator | make use of language)

Monday, September 26th, 2011
3:45 am
i've just swung out of a bad mood. i feel weird. anyway...

what's really sad is that the art therapist who runs the group i go to is a thousand times better than my actual therapist. my actual therapist treats me like a sick person. the art therapist treats us like human beings. so i have two people i've been listening to intently for the past however many months (and frankly i don't care to count how many it's been because i don't want to think about it) and i can reference their advice when i'm feeling shitty.

my actual therapist would tell me to practice positive affirmations and try and "trick my brain into feeling better." this seems to be the main tool she has for me. she believes that since i am sick, i must live my life sterile and boring. i have to leave the house because that's healthy, but the "fun" things i'm supposed to do are shit like "go for a walk". all the while i'm supposed to tell myself "iamhappyiamhappyiamhappyiamhappy" over and over again.

the art therapist would suggest actually sitting with my feelings and analyzing them. looking them over and being curious about my thoughts and my behaviors and figuring it out. she would say if something isn't working for me, to try something new. she would recognize that life is too be lived, and one can't just sit around waiting to get better before doing anything. she might suggest putting my feelings down in some art form.

now who the fuck am i going to listen to? am i going to sit there chanting to myself and keeping eveything very medical or am i going to sit through the feelings and deal with them? is it really HEALTHIER to FIGHT against what i'm feeling or to really LOOK at it and then try to CENTER myself?

so i SAT THROUGH my shitty feelings. when a negative thought popped up, i let it be there but i tried to figure it out. i tried to face it head on.

go figure, the mood is gone now. trying to force myself out of a mood, or trying to avert a mood, has never worked. it's better to just ride the wave until it's over.

Current Mood: awake

(make use of language)

2:20 am
Writer's Block: BFF
How long have you had your best friend?

what the fuck is a best friend

(make use of language)

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